A Change In My Life- Part 2 "Being A Mother"

I knew that being a mom would be hard, but I didn't realize it wouldn't be hard in ways I never imagined. The first night we had Reyna at home I ended up at some time in the early hours of the morning watching "Safe Haven" on Netflix and sobbing uncontrollably. I hadn't gotten hardly any sleep and I was sitting up in the bed with Reyna laying on top of a boppy in my lap because it was the only place she would stay asleep, every time we had tried to put her in her crib she woke right back up, crying. I figured it was better to let her sleep on my lap even if that meant I couldn't fall asleep. I was so tired... I didn't know how I was going to do this if every night was like that one. Kevin took her for a walk at 4 in the morning up to the temple just to get her to fall asleep because she was crying and he wanted me to get some sleep (what a sweetheart).

Every day is a new adventure with my little baby girl, I never know what to expect, so even though I am 5 weeks into this with Reyna things are different every day. I can't predict how my day is going to go, ever. I have to take things an hour at a time. You know what being a mom is really hard, and it's hard in a way I can't describe. This beautiful little angel makes me smile and laugh and I love her so much but sometimes when she is crying and crying and crying and I don't know how to help her I feel like such a horrible mom. It doesn't help that my emotions are just out of control (especially if I haven't had much sleep) and I have ended up crying in Kevin's arms because I just don't know how to help Reyna or what she needs. The past few days she has been sick, stuffy nose, and I feel so bad when she wakes up coughing and choking in the night because she can't breathe...

Through this all I have come to realize and been reminded that this little girl is new to this world, just as I am new to being a mother, and Reyna is new to all these things, she is experiencing them for the first time. She doesn't know what's going on or what's wrong anymore than I do, and when she is sick or crying I just cuddle her and think that she just needs to feel loved. It would be easy to lose my patience with this poor angel girl of mine at 3 in the morning when I haven't had a lot of sleep and she is crying but instead I just remind myself that she needs to be loved and cuddled.

Being a mom is really hard. It is also really amazing. I love this girl so much, and it's weird to love something so much (even when she poops all over the place and I spend a lot of time cleaning up after her and doing laundry.) There is just something spectacular and unique about looking at this little baby sleeping in my arms and realizing she is half me and half Kevin, she is my responsibility. I love this little girl so much, I love to watch her when her sleep, I love when she nuzzles her head into my neck, I love being able to comfort her. Being a mom is hard, but it's also really really really great.